There ain't nothing more depressing then a pine tree
Gussied up candy canes and balls
Those carolers have kept me up for hours
It's Merry Christmas seeping through my walls
Now I'm no wiccan commie or nothing
But there's one holiday I can't stand
It's ain't Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April Fools
But it'll surely make a fool out of everyman
HA
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah
And all you motherfuckers go to hell
If I ain't gaga then it ain't quanza
Joy to the world and jack and coke
If I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
and I ain't never anything but broke
Now every year the malls are just a madhouse
Full of empty pockets, thoughts and smiles
Just the smell of Eggnog makes me vomit
And those colored lights are fucking infantile
I think we collectively as the people
Should rise against this corporate jolly noise
And tell the world Let's buy some piece and quiet for a change.
Before we spend it all on fucking toys.
So if I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
You know where to stick those jingle bells
If I ain't hammered it ain't hanukkah
Fa la la la la go fuck yourself!
if I ain't gaga it ain't quanza
Joy to the world of getting stoned
and if i ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas
So leave this god damn scrooge the fuck alone.